See You Saturday

If you can't stop by, you can still send money.

Of Little Albert and Mariette Hartley

Sorry to have publicly dissed Commodore Thompson. I think that essentially all the evil in the world might be tied to this disgraced academic and JWT alumnus.

S. Mazik Smackdown

We're taking a break from the normal bilous and vitriolic ranting so that our viewers can talk some smack on Mazik. as he frees himself from the bone-dissolving grasp of the commodore.

Mazik will buy a Slinger for whomever submits the best entry.

I'm Being Followed By An Air Marshall...

So our intelligence forces had drawn up plans to nail Zarqawi, that were thrice struck down by the runner up in the 2000 presidential election. I wish that I could make this stuff up, but the reason seems to be that the act of attacking an actual terrorist cell, might undermine our case for invading Iraq. Now 15 months after GI George stood on the destroyer and assured us of the mission was accomplished, thousands lay dead many of them at the hands of Zarqawi. This week alone has seen daily beheadings and car bombings.

Ironically, the only person in the US or Iraq who is safer since the capture of Saddam, is Saddam.

Still, we managed to collar that rapscallion Cat Stevens before he could pen another sappy ballad. So, Bush has something to brag about in the debates.

Vengeance is mine

I am currently exploring an unsolved mystery with my rear bike tire. About six weeks ago I went to pull my bike of the hooks in the garage loft and found that the wheel had come off and the bike was suspended from the chain. The tire was flat.

I knew that I couldn't change the tube and still make my appointment. Thus, I begrudgingly climbed in my Civic and drove a few miles to Eastown to work on a voter registration drive. I swore--at the guy who invented pneumatic tires, and the guy who invented physics, but mostly I swore at myself for not making sure the wheel was on tightly.

Then the next day, I changed my bike tire tube and made sure that I fastened the quick-release so the wheel would not pop off again.

In the weeks hence, I've been plagued by tire deflation issues. Some nights I pumped the tire up, sometimes I changed the tube. Last night, Lori and were heading out for a ride and tire was flat again. I pumped it up and we were able to ride for about 45 minutes. We were almost home as I felt my tire was flat and I pumped it up and we took off again, with Lori leading the way.

Within seconds, I felt a difference in the tire inflation. I jumped off my bike and gave the tire a squeeze. Gone.

So was Lori. She kept riding up the hill on Laurel Ave., then turned on to Boston, 150 yards away from me, never looking back. She didn't have a house key so I knew she'd return.

About five minutes later, I spotted her descending the hill. She pulled up to me and asked "Did you have another flat?"

"Yes" I replied.

"I'm sorry. Can I have the keys? I want to go home."

Not "I want to go home and get the car, so you don't have to walk" Just "I want to go home"

She left me. As she pedaled away I called to her: "Do what you must to stay alive. I will find you!!!"

Then I was alone in the wilds of East Grand Rapids, on an evening which the blistering 64-degree temperature was exacerbated by the stifling .04% humidity. Four and 1/2 blocks home. Alone.

When I reached our house, it was nearly 7:00 pm. She told me that I she had to watch a video for work, so I couldn't watch "Countdown." The HORROR!!!!!

She can expect to find coffee grounds and unrinsed sponges in the sink every morning for the rest of her life.

With This Ring

My wife is working with some other Kalamazoons on the planning of their class reunion. I have a reunion coming up, too, so her activities got me to wondering about some of the mySHSclassmates.

I dug up a few e-mails, though none belonging to anybody that I wished to contact. However, I was able to dig upsome recent information on a former Fightin' Seminole teammate. Oh, he was a captain for the Redskins when they won the 1988 Super Bowl. That earned him some impressive bling-bling.

Reggie and I wrestled once when we were seniors, I'm not trying to brag, but I came in second.

I'll soon be a man again

In a scant 13.5 hours that bothersome ban on assault weapons will expire. I can't wait to get that permit for my concealed street sweeper (for hunting those blood-thirsty Michigan mourning doves of course).

what if I'd said yes?

In 1994, I was asked out by this girl I worked with. I said something like "Well, I can't do that, but I just sold my car. How about I buy you some Pad Thai instead?"

On Sunday--two cats, two dogs, three apartments, numerous Hondas later and a son on the way--this girl I used to work with and I returned to the crime scene.