My fellow Americans, we are a nation at risk.
The current US government shutdown is but the latest symptom of a protracted malady. Drastic, immediate, measures are required if we are to begin healing.
We, the people, must fix this situation because Congress is incapable of doing so on its own.
Therefore, I’m proposing a new law, which is based on the wildly successful education guidelines that have had robust bipartisan support for decades.
Just look at the shiny, happy people watching No Child Left Behind being signed into law.
No Child Left Behind Law Signed Into Law
While, Congress has long tried to privatize traditional public services, (most notably eduction), it has repeatedly failed to show adequate yearly progress (AYP) in its own work. We can change that with just a few, simple, Draconian measures.
I call the law No Congress Left Behind, affectionally known as NCLBtoo. Key provision of NCLBtoo is that failure by Congress to meet AYP goals will result in demeaning, punitive measures.
If Congress fails to meet AYP goals for two consecutive years, it must submit a two-year improvement plan. If we’re lucky, the plan involves all members of the House and 1/3 of the Senate losing their reelection bid.
If they miss AYP targets for three consecutive years, Congress will be forced to offer tutoring (by public school teachers, scientists, economists, sociologists,) for Representatives and Senator until they quit talking shit, about shit they know nothing about. This should put an end to remarks like this: “I”m not scientist, but Imma going to tell you why scientists are wrong…”
After four years of missing AYP targets, Congress will be relabeled as a “Corrective Action Congress”. This may result in replacement of members of Congress and will require Congress to extend the number of hours that they have to work. Certainly the thought of working five whole days per week will scare them into compliance, eh?
After the 5th year of missing AYP targets, Congress will be restructured. This may include closure of the Congress (Yay!), or that Congress will become a “Charter Congress” in which a private company takes over Congress. Since this Charter Congress operator will be a “not for profit” organization, CEO pay will be capped at $2 million per year. Or $3.5 million, because,,,,DC is as expensive…as shit, you know.
Oh, and for the first year penalty….I’ll come up with clever embarrassing hashtag and you can retweet it.
Contact your US representative and Senators today and let them know that you support “NCLBtoo. “