Bad Dog!

One Friday night my dog, Pete, started whimpering.

“I am not making you pudding!” I’d had a long day, and it was nearly 11:00 pm.

He persisted so I went to the pantry and pulled out the vanilla pudding mix. He cried again until I went back and grabbed the butterscotch pack. I went to the refrigerator and saw that we were out of milk.

I said “Sorry Pete, I can’t make the pudding…ah!!! Don’t look at me like that!! D & W is closed, I am NOT driving all the way to Meijer!”

Closeup Picture of Dog's face white fur with brown spots

Puppy Dog Eyes

He lifted his leg on the couch so I handed him the keys to my Accord. He put out his paw again. “I don’t have any money! You’re going to have use my Visa card.”

I waited for a few minutes, but decided to go to bed. I woke up at 4:30 am and went downstairs and looked all over for Pete, but I couldn’t find him. I looked outside and the car was still gone.

Frantic, I called the police. “Well… he’s about 2 feet tall. Uh, brown eyes. White hair, with brown spots, his tail is…Excuse me? Yes, he has a tail…uh, never mind I’ll find him myself.”

Lori and I got in to the Civic and drove a grid pattern over Kent County for hours and hours.  At about 10:00 pm that night we found the car crashed into a light pole downtown. There was an empty six pack of Michelob Ultra’s in the back seat. I was furious.

With Pete’s picture in hand, we questioned the merchants and patrons downtown for any leads in finding him. After a few hours we spoke to a bartender who had seen him. “Yeah, he was here. He bought drinks for everybody all night. He ran up a $650 bill then tipped me $150 dollars. Then he left with a woman who dances at the, uh… gentleman’s club around the corner.”

He pointed us toward the club and we headed in. We found Pete, passed out, at a table, near the stage, where a woman was dancing around a pole. A drool-sopped Visa bill was on the table was under Pete’s jaw. I lifted Pete’s head and saw the total-another $400, nearly $150 for lap dances. I screamed. He was jolted awake.

“Pete! Bad dog!!! How could you do this?!? We’ve been worried sick about you! We thought you’d been hurt. How many times have I said no beer in the car?!? You wrecked my car and I know the insurance company won’t pay for a car that was totaled by a drunk beagle-mutt. Then, you go out and spend $1,000 on drinks for strangers!. And $150 for lap dances….you don’t even have a lap! This is terrible, you’ve never done anything like this before!”

“I’ve never had the money before” he said.


(Full disclosure: the punchline is not mine. I’ve heard several versions this type of joke. I heard a version on a radio show (circa 2000) and I looked into it a bit, but have not determined its origin, though I know that Soupy Sales did a version of the joke on one of his TV series.)

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