No Congress Left Behind

(originally published in 2019, thus refers to the “current US government shutdown” from that time. Though no need to worry, you can expect government shutdowns every 2, or 3 years for the rest of your lives.)

My fellow Americans, we  are a nation at risk.

The current  US government shutdown is but the latest symptom of a protracted malady. Drastic, immediate, measures are required if we are to  begin healing.

We, the people  must fix this situation because Congress is incapable of doing so on its own.

Therefore,  I’m  proposing  a new law, which is based on the wildly successful education guidelines that have had robust bipartisan support for decades.

Just look at the shiny, happy people watching No Child Left Behind being signed into law:


No Child Left Act Signing Ceremony (President George W. Bush signing bill into law, surrounded by John Boehner, Ted Kennedy and school-age students).

No Chid Left behind

No Child Left Behind  Law Signed Into Law

While, Congress has long tried to privatize traditional public services, (most notably education), it has repeatedly failed to show adequate yearly progress (AYP) in its own work. We can change that with just a few, simple, Draconian, measures.

I call the law No Congress Left Behind, affectionally known as  “NCLB, Too.”  A key provision of NCLB, Too  is that  failure by Congress to meet AYP goals will result in demeaning,  punitive measures.

If Congress fails to meet AYP goals for two consecutive years, it must submit a two-year improvement plan. If we’re lucky,  the plan involves all members of the House and 1/3 of the Senate losing their reelection bid.

If they miss AYP targets for  three consecutive years, Congress will be forced to offer tutoring  (by public school teachers, scientists, economists, sociologists,) for  Representatives and Senators until they quit talking shit, about shit they know nothing about. This should put an end to remarks like this: ”I’m  not scientist, but I’m going  to tell you why scientists are wrong…”

After four years of missing AYP targets, Congress will be relabeled as a ”Corrective Action Congress.” This may result in  replacement of members of Congress and will require Congress to  extend the number of hours that they have to work. Certainly the thought of working five whole days per week will scare them into compliance, eh?

After the  fifth  year of missing AYP targets, Congress will be restructured. This may include closure of the Congress (Yay!), or that Congress will become a “Charter Congress” in which a private company takes over Congress.

Since this Charter Congress operator  will be a  ”not for profit” organization, CEO pay will be capped at $2 million per year. Or $10 million, because,,,,DC is expensive as shit, you know.

Oh, and for the first year penalty….I’ll come up with  clever embarrassing hashtag and you can retweet it.

Contact your US representative and Senators  today and let them know that you support “NCLB, Too. “


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